Thanksgiving Awesomeness List

I love Thanksgiving. Don’t you? If you don’t love Thanksgiving, you must not love anything – not kittens, not ducklings, nothing. It’s got to be one of the top three, if not the absolute best, holidays of the year. Think about it… here’s a quick list of some of the awesome things you get to do on Thanksgiving:

  1. Sit around and binge eat snacks without worrying about what people think.
  2. Drink beer in the early afternoon without Aunt Edna or anyone giving you shit, because clearly the pilgrims and Squanto drank beer in the early afternoon and we want to honor their memory.
  3. Play football in the backyard or at the park with your family members. Playing football is awesome, but being able to tackle or at least cut block your uncle to get back at him for the time he sent you a white bath towel for Christmas is the real icing on the cake.
  4. Watch football. Not as good as tackling your uncle, but still pretty great. How many times do you get to watch a whole day of football and not get a ton of grief for it?
  5. Binge eat dinner after binge eating snacks and drinking beer all day.
  6. This is the best part – a bunch of grown adults napping in the mid-afternoon and blaming it on some magical ingredient in the turkey. Think eating 2 helpings of mashed potatoes the size of your face had anything to do with it? Probably not….

And this isn’t even all of it. Thanksgiving is just the best. The only thing that sucks is having to clean up after it’s all over. The dishes are all stacked as high as the eye can see, there’s turkey juice everywhere, wine stains everywhere. That’s why I do my best to be seriously involved in the cooking part of the day, cuz everyone knows that you get off the hook from cleaning if you cooked. Also, I think my family just knows that I’d do a terrible job. They’d be better off hiring a full team of professionals to take care of the mess. If it were my house, I’d just plan all of my cleanings for right after turkey day. I’d get a housekeeper to come scrub the kitchen, the carpet cleaners to do my bi-annual deep clean and even get the chimney swept while I was at it. What the hell, right? Anyhoo, thankfully for my wallet Thanksgiving wasn’t at my house this year.

Now pardon me while I go eat a bunch of leftovers and gain an extra 10 pounds.